Risking 1,2,3.....

I saw this young boy tring to skateboard on the railing overlooking Mono Lake on my way to Yosemite to camp.  I was on the way home from the Second International Symposium on Veterinary Hospice and Palliative Care.  I was really on overload and looking forward to camping alone in the trees at 11,000 ft.  I stopped and watched him, happy my Mommy-fear was not here because he was not my child.  I wanted to capture the feeling I had at that moment.  I wanted a picture of it to remember my feelings and all that had captured my heart.  This was the best I could do with my iPhone at sunset!

  At the moment I am feeling very tired and old, but wise-old.  I am so grateful that each time I risk a great deal, overcome some fear, I seem to reap rewards proportional to the risk.  I am getting divorced, trying to move out of the busy city of Phoenix up to the cool more cold and calm Flagstaff.  It seemed impossible, but I have convinced my soon to be ex to move too.  I think we need to share our daughter.  I am feeling like I am this boy: I am trying and trying to do the right thing.  I am trying so hard to do the job I am given: to advocate for animals.  I am tring so hard to overcome my physical difficulties and live in the moment.  To accept my limitations, yet take them with me to the next idea, the next article, the next action.  Ignoring pain either emotional or physical just gave it permission to grow.  Now I accept it.  I hurt, yet I can still write.  I try to take it slow and honor my problems instead of run away from them.  They are, afterall, part of what has made me who I am.  I have so much to do today.  I must do some of it!  But, I am aware of my limitations.  It is almost in naming the worst thing it goes away!  I think if there is such a thing as the devil, or pure evil it is not loud.  It is that quiet pervasive voice that says to you: "You can't do THAT!  They will LAUGH at you!  Who do you think you are to presume they will respect you? You are going to fail!" It is called the Itty Bitty Sh***y Committee in 12 step parlance.  A very wise man at the Hospice Symposium told me to tell them to "take a number, come back later, how about an appointment in 2 hours?".  I have been doing that and they do not show up at the appointed hour!  I can not see the road ahead, but I feel the right path at every moment if I will just listen.  I know what I am supossed to do and I think I am nuts for risking so much each time I do.  And...each time I risk It is testing new waters, and I am getting deeper and deeper into my dreams!  If I just keep trying to risk, and GO FOR IT and ignore the aforementioned IBSC then I am really rewarded with progress towards my dreams.  I do not mean to sound egocentrical in any way, because the more I accomplish, the more good that comes from my committment to the GOOD, the LESS it is me at all.  It is me resonating a tiny bit , for just a moment, hanging there near perfection before my imperfect mind intervenes.  Like the boy who showed me it was OK to take a leap, and do it over and over until you get it right, risk or no risk..Oh, yeah, and it is so much more FUN to take the leap.......I think I will keep trying it...Risking 1,2,3.......